Once Upon a Time in Corfu
pauliepaul
- Parts One & Two -
Part One
By the second day we three had settled into a set regime. Get up, have a full English breakfast, then if it was a day on - (one day on one day off) we would have a shot of something from the bar which had 3 layers of distinct colour. White at the top, red in the middle, with blue at the bottom. This had to be downed in one.
The holliday complex where we were staying had 3 bars. After the ‘Special’ drink at the ‘breakfast bar’, on the mentioned ‘day on’ that is. We three would walk around the pool to the … yes, ‘pool bar’, where we would have a second, third, fourth double of the ’Special Drink’. This still had to be downed in one.
On the 4th day, I, (1of 3 of we three) decided to explore the island solo wolf. After a lovely visit to Corfu Town I returned to the holiday apartment late in the evening to find 2 and 3 of we three settled on the balcony with 2 fellow youthfull holiday makers.
3 of 3 of we three was in deep conversation with 1 of the holiday makers but alarmingly 2 of 3 of we three was sitting at a table opposite the 2nd holiday maker with a piece of wood that looked like part of a bed.
2 of 3 of we three was second only to being a brother to me. I understood more than well the look on his face, more seriously his ‘goat eye’ expression alarmed me to imminent danger as he said to holiday maker youthful or not number 2 “You’re my mate, and I’m your mate right?”
“Yes?” Said holiday maker number 2.
It was the wrong answer, the wrong answer.
Immediately after holiday maker number 2 had said yes to being his friend, 2 of 3 of we three hit him quite hard on the head with the piece of bed. Then respectfully handed over the same piece of bed; leaning forward offering his own head ceremoniously.
On the 5th day myself and 3 of we three took a lilo from the pool area that belonged to either attractive bikini girl holiday maker number 1, or attractive bikini girl holiday maker number 2.
Having lost 2 of 3 of we three between either the ‘breakfast bar’; or the ‘pool bar.’ Myself and 3 of we three placed the borrowed double lilo outside our apartment. Then strolled into Kavos for afternoon half pints of tequila, fun, and games of pool.
Later on that 5th day, (importantly) our next door neighbours, after enjoying the ultimate lie in and slow start to the day, described they heard a noise emitting from the front of their holiday apartment.
“Is that a pig or a donkey?” Said holiday nieghbour couple 1 to holiday neighbour couple 2?
Cautiously the holiday neighbour couple opened the front door of their apartment to investigate.
“What is it?” Said holiday couple number 1 to her bloke, number 2.
“It’s him from next door. The nice one who was hitting that lad round the head with a bit of wood the other night. He’s asleep snoring like a pig on a double lilo?
I might just leave him…”
Orange stripe bottom corner pocket and black to win would be 2 games each. I concentrated, pulled back my cue and shattered a large pane of glass behind me. I played the shot as if nothing had happened as 3 of 3 of we three whispered :
“Ay up mate you’ve just smashed that glass.”
“I know.” I said, as the man approached us from the bar. At the same time 3 of we three turned his 6’3 bulk to shout stare him down…
“That should be shatter proof! Could've killed us! Let’s go…” He tugged my shirt and remarkably we left without incident walking back to the safety of our holiday complex.
On the 1st day we three had arrived at our holiday apartment brimming with excitement. 2 and 3 of we three let me have the bed on the mezzanine level without a thought. An action which truly touched my 8 year sensitive seniority. I had a feeling I might begin to love being able to rise above various 2 and 3 of we three activities if and when they arrive at our holiday home.
At this point after placing bags on beds we three ventured out towards the 1 bar I haven’t mentioned yet. Ironic because it was the main holiday complex bar, where within 2 minutes of entering, 3 of 3 of we three was squaring up to fight number 1 of an unknown amount management team. With 2 of we three by his side.
2 alpha males squaring up on a Greek Island. You couldn’t make it up. It was incredibly stupid of number 1 management, and also of 3 0f 3 of we three!
My 8 years of sensitive seniority intervened with a masterstroke. Such that on the 2nd day as number 1 management patrolled / strutted passed the pool. 3 of 3 of we three jumped out of the water to face him. (for a second I imagined violence and closed my eyes - but..) With an outstretched hand the shake sealed the alpha male union.
I went for a drink…at the ‘pool bar’.
On the 3rd day we three were half way through a 1 day on, when I pointed out it was a 1 day off. In the hope of saving what was left of the 1 day off, I, (1 of 3 of we three) suggested we walk out through the back gate of the complex that led to the beach that led to the sea.
But also.......
“The Ringo’s!” Said 2 and 3 of we three walking along a raised jetty and sitting in large multi coloured lorry inner tube - like - looking inflatables. Each attatched by a long length of nautical looking rope to what looked to me like a fast boat.
I was just about to join 2 and 3 of we three in my own Ringo when from behind I was shimmied into a life jacket by 1 of 2 Ringo operatives.
“You need to put this on!” he said to me and went on to say to 2 of 3 of we three; who saw their mistake and danced out of their awkward positions as if they’d been drinking in the sun all day like 2 of 2 gulley rangers.
On the evening of the 4th day after I'd stumbled into a situation involving 2 of 3 of we three sitting opposite the 2nd youthful holiday maker ... well to be precise it was now the turn of youthful Holliday maker 2 of 2 to hit 2 of 3 of we three round the head with a piece of bed.
I knew that by now the 2nd youthful Holliday maker was in serious trouble. Whatever he chose to do with the piece of bed wouldn't stop 2 of 3 of we three from eventually braining him unconscious.
My 8 years of sensitive seniority intervened with a masterstroke. I walked behind the 2nd youthful holiday maker and with swift guile got this message through.
"Do exactly as I say or your brains will be bashed to a pulp by a piece of bed in Corfu. Say I'm glad I'm on Holliday now if you understand..."
"I'm GLAD I'M ON holid*£y" Mow! if I understand : stammered uttered the 2nd youthful Holliday maker.
By now the piece of bed was so close to the 2nd youthful Holliday maker, that the delay in him accepting it was increasing the intensity of 2 of 3 of we three's goat eyes, so I knew I had to act. Using a pinch of my 8 years of sensitive seniority powers I took the offered piece of bed from 2 of 3 of we three placing it with care into the hands of 2 of two holiday maker man sweating deluxe.
With seconds to spare, coinciding with a next door neighbour balcony distraction, I was able to get the saving message through.
It was as follows...
"Your only hope to save your brains from being bashed in, here on the isle of Corfu is to follow what I say exactly. -
Take the piece of bed and hit your opponent hard round the head - then at the exact time you offer him the piece of bed to hit you back, say this: but keep eye contact until he looks away. It's vital!"
"Alright Then, What Was The Name Of Russ Abbot's Dog!?"
For what seemed like hours the 2nd youthful Holliday maker held aloft the piece of bed. Then suddenly as if he'd summoned up all the courage he had, he hit 2 of 3 of we three a cracking blow round the ear hole, ultimately on the right side of his head.
Do it say it... He passed the piece of bed back over the patio table and then I heard the words that probably saved his brains from being bashed to a pulp on that patio/balcony in Corfu:
"Alright Then, What Was The Name Of Russ Abbot's Dog!?"
For a split second everything on the balcony seemed to stop. It was like a spotlight had shone on 2 of 3 of we three and you could almost hear the nerve endings searching for the answer - searching for the answer to a question about the one man he loved more than me as 1 of 3 of we three.
He put the piece of bed down on the patio table (a good sign) and stood marching franticly scratching his head looking at me for answers but I looked away.
Ten minutes later 2 of 3 of we three exclaimed in happiness and delight as he shouted loud and clear to the whole of Corfu.
"RUSS ABBOT AIN'T GOT A FUCKIN DOG!
The holliday complex where we were staying had 3 bars. After the ‘Special’ drink at the ‘breakfast bar’, on the mentioned ‘day on’ that is. We three would walk around the pool to the … yes, ‘pool bar’, where we would have a second, third, fourth double of the ’Special Drink’. This still had to be downed in one.
On the 4th day, I, (1of 3 of we three) decided to explore the island solo wolf. After a lovely visit to Corfu Town I returned to the holiday apartment late in the evening to find 2 and 3 of we three settled on the balcony with 2 fellow youthfull holiday makers.
3 of 3 of we three was in deep conversation with 1 of the holiday makers but alarmingly 2 of 3 of we three was sitting at a table opposite the 2nd holiday maker with a piece of wood that looked like part of a bed.
2 of 3 of we three was second only to being a brother to me. I understood more than well the look on his face, more seriously his ‘goat eye’ expression alarmed me to imminent danger as he said to holiday maker youthful or not number 2 “You’re my mate, and I’m your mate right?”
“Yes?” Said holiday maker number 2.
It was the wrong answer, the wrong answer.
Immediately after holiday maker number 2 had said yes to being his friend, 2 of 3 of we three hit him quite hard on the head with the piece of bed. Then respectfully handed over the same piece of bed; leaning forward offering his own head ceremoniously.
On the 5th day myself and 3 of we three took a lilo from the pool area that belonged to either attractive bikini girl holiday maker number 1, or attractive bikini girl holiday maker number 2.
Having lost 2 of 3 of we three between either the ‘breakfast bar’; or the ‘pool bar.’ Myself and 3 of we three placed the borrowed double lilo outside our apartment. Then strolled into Kavos for afternoon half pints of tequila, fun, and games of pool.
Later on that 5th day, (importantly) our next door neighbours, after enjoying the ultimate lie in and slow start to the day, described they heard a noise emitting from the front of their holiday apartment.
“Is that a pig or a donkey?” Said holiday nieghbour couple 1 to holiday neighbour couple 2?
Cautiously the holiday neighbour couple opened the front door of their apartment to investigate.
“What is it?” Said holiday couple number 1 to her bloke, number 2.
“It’s him from next door. The nice one who was hitting that lad round the head with a bit of wood the other night. He’s asleep snoring like a pig on a double lilo?
I might just leave him…”
Orange stripe bottom corner pocket and black to win would be 2 games each. I concentrated, pulled back my cue and shattered a large pane of glass behind me. I played the shot as if nothing had happened as 3 of 3 of we three whispered :
“Ay up mate you’ve just smashed that glass.”
“I know.” I said, as the man approached us from the bar. At the same time 3 of we three turned his 6’3 bulk to shout stare him down…
“That should be shatter proof! Could've killed us! Let’s go…” He tugged my shirt and remarkably we left without incident walking back to the safety of our holiday complex.
On the 1st day we three had arrived at our holiday apartment brimming with excitement. 2 and 3 of we three let me have the bed on the mezzanine level without a thought. An action which truly touched my 8 year sensitive seniority. I had a feeling I might begin to love being able to rise above various 2 and 3 of we three activities if and when they arrive at our holiday home.
At this point after placing bags on beds we three ventured out towards the 1 bar I haven’t mentioned yet. Ironic because it was the main holiday complex bar, where within 2 minutes of entering, 3 of 3 of we three was squaring up to fight number 1 of an unknown amount management team. With 2 of we three by his side.
2 alpha males squaring up on a Greek Island. You couldn’t make it up. It was incredibly stupid of number 1 management, and also of 3 0f 3 of we three!
My 8 years of sensitive seniority intervened with a masterstroke. Such that on the 2nd day as number 1 management patrolled / strutted passed the pool. 3 of 3 of we three jumped out of the water to face him. (for a second I imagined violence and closed my eyes - but..) With an outstretched hand the shake sealed the alpha male union.
I went for a drink…at the ‘pool bar’.
On the 3rd day we three were half way through a 1 day on, when I pointed out it was a 1 day off. In the hope of saving what was left of the 1 day off, I, (1 of 3 of we three) suggested we walk out through the back gate of the complex that led to the beach that led to the sea.
But also.......
“The Ringo’s!” Said 2 and 3 of we three walking along a raised jetty and sitting in large multi coloured lorry inner tube - like - looking inflatables. Each attatched by a long length of nautical looking rope to what looked to me like a fast boat.
I was just about to join 2 and 3 of we three in my own Ringo when from behind I was shimmied into a life jacket by 1 of 2 Ringo operatives.
“You need to put this on!” he said to me and went on to say to 2 of 3 of we three; who saw their mistake and danced out of their awkward positions as if they’d been drinking in the sun all day like 2 of 2 gulley rangers.
On the evening of the 4th day after I'd stumbled into a situation involving 2 of 3 of we three sitting opposite the 2nd youthful holiday maker ... well to be precise it was now the turn of youthful Holliday maker 2 of 2 to hit 2 of 3 of we three round the head with a piece of bed.
I knew that by now the 2nd youthful Holliday maker was in serious trouble. Whatever he chose to do with the piece of bed wouldn't stop 2 of 3 of we three from eventually braining him unconscious.
My 8 years of sensitive seniority intervened with a masterstroke. I walked behind the 2nd youthful holiday maker and with swift guile got this message through.
"Do exactly as I say or your brains will be bashed to a pulp by a piece of bed in Corfu. Say I'm glad I'm on Holliday now if you understand..."
"I'm GLAD I'M ON holid*£y" Mow! if I understand : stammered uttered the 2nd youthful Holliday maker.
By now the piece of bed was so close to the 2nd youthful Holliday maker, that the delay in him accepting it was increasing the intensity of 2 of 3 of we three's goat eyes, so I knew I had to act. Using a pinch of my 8 years of sensitive seniority powers I took the offered piece of bed from 2 of 3 of we three placing it with care into the hands of 2 of two holiday maker man sweating deluxe.
With seconds to spare, coinciding with a next door neighbour balcony distraction, I was able to get the saving message through.
It was as follows...
"Your only hope to save your brains from being bashed in, here on the isle of Corfu is to follow what I say exactly. -
Take the piece of bed and hit your opponent hard round the head - then at the exact time you offer him the piece of bed to hit you back, say this: but keep eye contact until he looks away. It's vital!"
"Alright Then, What Was The Name Of Russ Abbot's Dog!?"
For what seemed like hours the 2nd youthful Holliday maker held aloft the piece of bed. Then suddenly as if he'd summoned up all the courage he had, he hit 2 of 3 of we three a cracking blow round the ear hole, ultimately on the right side of his head.
Do it say it... He passed the piece of bed back over the patio table and then I heard the words that probably saved his brains from being bashed to a pulp on that patio/balcony in Corfu:
"Alright Then, What Was The Name Of Russ Abbot's Dog!?"
For a split second everything on the balcony seemed to stop. It was like a spotlight had shone on 2 of 3 of we three and you could almost hear the nerve endings searching for the answer - searching for the answer to a question about the one man he loved more than me as 1 of 3 of we three.
He put the piece of bed down on the patio table (a good sign) and stood marching franticly scratching his head looking at me for answers but I looked away.
Ten minutes later 2 of 3 of we three exclaimed in happiness and delight as he shouted loud and clear to the whole of Corfu.
"RUSS ABBOT AIN'T GOT A FUCKIN DOG!
Part Two
On the 5th day, 3 of we three and I, (1 of 3 of we three) were returning to the safety of our holiday complex after I had smashed a rather large pane of glass. This happened unusually whilst potting an orange stripe in the bottom left corner bag, before potting the black, making it 2 games each.
As we entered the holiday complex gates, the strange sound we'd started hearing a few minutes earlier got louder and louder, until 3 of 3 of we three and I stopped.
“Is that a pig or a donkey?” Said 3 of we three to me.
Everything became clear as we approached our apartment and saw 2 of we three fast asleep. He was snoring like a pig on either attractive bikini girl holiday maker 1, or 2 of two’s lilo.
After trying unsuccessfully to wake 2 of we three for a few minutes, it became clear he was disgustingly drunk to a very high standard. 3 of we three and I then decided to retrieve the lilo from under 2 of we three, and return the bright inflatable to the rightful (still in question) owner. Before anything disgusting happened on/to it.
After a few minutes we retrieved the lilo, having to roll 2 of we three over onto his side. This caused the loud pig like snoring to stop briefly, until we rolled him back a minute or 2 later to continue our valiant mission.
Inside our next door neighbours apartment, the brief respite in the loud pig or donkey like snoring was naturally a welcome relief. For about a New York minute.
Can you hear that noise? And he’s stopped snoring! It’s stopped! Thank god!”. Said holiday next door neighbour 1 of two to her fella.
“Go and check…”
Just before holiday next door neighbour 2 of two opened the apartment door, 2 of 3 of we three started up his pig like snoring again, with gusto…
Closing the door gently, he returned to his wife with a puzzled expression.
"What?" asked his wife.
“He’s still there.” He said.
“I can hear that! It's louder! What was the noise then?”
“His lilo has gone!”
On the 5th day, we three had finished breakfast and were just finishing the 2nd large multi coloured destroyer as we chose to call them. Alpha male 1 of two, (also 1 of an unknown amount management team) walked up to 3 of 3 of we three, (also alpha male 2 of two) with a hearty invite.
“Come, you come now to my viliage, you three. Yamoss! We drink yamoss - come come!
So without further ado, we 3 of three, went.
We drove with alpha 1 for 2 or 3 clicks, stopping outside a small bar in the middle of a lovely village.
Loud welcomes galore, followed by 2 hours of double multi coloured destroyers and I smelt danger.
3 of we three was holding court, the young barman who'd arrived on a motorbike seemed suitably impressed with the charismatic stranger. A drinking competition ensued to the merriment of all in the small Corfu village bar.
“I go back, have to work now, you stay drink!” Said alpha male 1 of two. (also 1 of an unknown amount management team)
“I’ll come back with you..” I replied
“So will I..” Said 2 of we three, to the surprise of both alpha 1 and I.
“We’re going back.” I said to 3 of we three.
“Are you coming?”
“Fuck off!”
“Didn’t you want to stay with 3 of we three then?” I said to 2 of we three on the way back to the safety of the holiday complex.
“No!” Slurred 2 of we three. “I know what’s going to happen, just the same as you do. You should have made him come back.”
TBC
As we entered the holiday complex gates, the strange sound we'd started hearing a few minutes earlier got louder and louder, until 3 of 3 of we three and I stopped.
“Is that a pig or a donkey?” Said 3 of we three to me.
Everything became clear as we approached our apartment and saw 2 of we three fast asleep. He was snoring like a pig on either attractive bikini girl holiday maker 1, or 2 of two’s lilo.
After trying unsuccessfully to wake 2 of we three for a few minutes, it became clear he was disgustingly drunk to a very high standard. 3 of we three and I then decided to retrieve the lilo from under 2 of we three, and return the bright inflatable to the rightful (still in question) owner. Before anything disgusting happened on/to it.
After a few minutes we retrieved the lilo, having to roll 2 of we three over onto his side. This caused the loud pig like snoring to stop briefly, until we rolled him back a minute or 2 later to continue our valiant mission.
Inside our next door neighbours apartment, the brief respite in the loud pig or donkey like snoring was naturally a welcome relief. For about a New York minute.
Can you hear that noise? And he’s stopped snoring! It’s stopped! Thank god!”. Said holiday next door neighbour 1 of two to her fella.
“Go and check…”
Just before holiday next door neighbour 2 of two opened the apartment door, 2 of 3 of we three started up his pig like snoring again, with gusto…
Closing the door gently, he returned to his wife with a puzzled expression.
"What?" asked his wife.
“He’s still there.” He said.
“I can hear that! It's louder! What was the noise then?”
“His lilo has gone!”
On the 5th day, we three had finished breakfast and were just finishing the 2nd large multi coloured destroyer as we chose to call them. Alpha male 1 of two, (also 1 of an unknown amount management team) walked up to 3 of 3 of we three, (also alpha male 2 of two) with a hearty invite.
“Come, you come now to my viliage, you three. Yamoss! We drink yamoss - come come!
So without further ado, we 3 of three, went.
We drove with alpha 1 for 2 or 3 clicks, stopping outside a small bar in the middle of a lovely village.
Loud welcomes galore, followed by 2 hours of double multi coloured destroyers and I smelt danger.
3 of we three was holding court, the young barman who'd arrived on a motorbike seemed suitably impressed with the charismatic stranger. A drinking competition ensued to the merriment of all in the small Corfu village bar.
“I go back, have to work now, you stay drink!” Said alpha male 1 of two. (also 1 of an unknown amount management team)
“I’ll come back with you..” I replied
“So will I..” Said 2 of we three, to the surprise of both alpha 1 and I.
“We’re going back.” I said to 3 of we three.
“Are you coming?”
“Fuck off!”
“Didn’t you want to stay with 3 of we three then?” I said to 2 of we three on the way back to the safety of the holiday complex.
“No!” Slurred 2 of we three. “I know what’s going to happen, just the same as you do. You should have made him come back.”
TBC
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